The Tsundere and the Wallflower (Part 2)


-Luka-

The route to school is burnt into my brain. I could do it in my sleep, but I wouldn't want to. I hate coming here, because it's stifling...I'm always afraid of being judged, so I either turn into an absolute bitch or freeze up and try not to get noticed. At least that's how I feel.

My mother used to tell me that college was going to be better. But honestly, it's just as bad as any school. The only difference is that there're more cuss words and harder work.

My father tells me that I need to 'try on some courage'. He tells me to talk to someone, that it's not that hard. I tell him that I AM trying, but he disagrees and complains that I'm a coward. If my mother was still around, he wouldn't be saying these things, I'm sure...but she's gone, and everything's different.

I sigh. It's best not to dwell on things, unless I want to get more depressed...

As I walk into school, students are all over the hallways. Getting their books for classes, talking to their friends in the halls...I feel pathetic compared to them. Like I'm no more than a wisp of smoke or a ghost, just floating through every day.

At least I have some good classes. Music, for one thing, is amazing. Even when I'm not learning it, I surround myself with it. A song can fill a room, or wrap around you like a blanket. The chords and notes take human forms and follow you, like a shield to keep out bad vibes. The lyrics and sound fill my mind, blocking out everything else...

I sigh as I reach my first class of the day. I'm tired of being here, tired of this world...

If only I could just disappear.

-----------------------------------------

Once my classes are over for the day, I don't feel relieved at all. I feel like I've sunk even deeper down...if it was even possible to go down deeper.

I plug my headphones in and turn on my playlist, letting the music surround me and fill my mind. When the song starts playing, I feel a little better and allow myself to smile. I decide to head over to the library and get my homework done instead of procrastinating and waiting until after dinner, when I get home.

I don't know why I decided to keep living with my dad when I'm in college. I could have gotten a dorm and lived on campus, with a roommate...maybe it's because of the cost. Maybe it's because I'd rather be in town, instead of being on campus so much of the time. But there's off-campus housing too, so...I honestly don't know.

Our minds are weird sometimes...

The campus library isn't that big. It's a medium-sized building with some rooms for studying or tutor sessions, and group project rooms. There's also tables in various places, for people studying alone.

I take a seat at a table in a corner, just as my phone buzzes. Ignoring the text, I pull out my books and start working, not turning off my music at all. Although the word online and all over the place is that music prevents you from concentrating, it's not true. I can focus just fine with the music, and I'm sure others can as well.

"Hey. Take those off, idiot. You're supposed to be studying."

Someone's voice breaks my thoughts. I look up to see a girl with blond hair in a ponytail, one of the upperclassmen...reaching her hand out. She's snapped at me before...it makes me wonder if she's some kind of kid who never grew up and is always a bitch.

"Take them off." she hisses.

"Take what off?" I reply.

"Your goddamn earphones. Idiot. Don't you know the rules? You're not allowed to have music in the f***ing library. Give them to me and you can have them back when you're done."

I shake my head. "You can't take them from me. I'm entitled to my personal property. Also, we're allowed to listen to music."

"Then I guess I'll have to forcefully take them from you, since you refuse to comply to the rules." She yanks the earbuds out, making me wince, and takes them along with my phone. "If you can find these by the end of the week, I'll give them back. Otherwise they'll be publicly dumped in the big fountain. And yes, I am allowed to do that." She walks off with the items clasped firmly in her hands, scowling ahead of her.

I pull my legs up to my chest and lay my head on my knees. "Y-You can't do that..." I know nobody hears my words. It's not like they would care...they're too wrapped up in their own lives.

I finish my homework slowly and glumly, then return home. Dad's car isn't in the driveway- he isn't home. Good. I hope he doesn't come back until tomorrow. I know it's not good to think these things, but...I can't help disliking him...he's forceful and scary.

I make a peanut butter sandwich and eat it slowly, then go upstairs to my room. My computer is waiting for me at my desk, waiting for me to turn it on and do something with it...I haven't touched it since school started. I don't know why, but something just seems...wrong about it.

Outside, the sun is setting slowly. I take my pajamas out of my dresser and set them on the desk, then pull my clothes off. My eyes are heavy and tired, I can't wait to curl up and sleep...

The pajamas, plaid red and green, used to be my mother's. I started wearing them when she died. It still shocks me sometimes, especially because I saw the entire thing...I saw it happen. I still remember watching her wave to me before stepping out into the street, in the path of traffic...on purpose. The truck was going fast, speeding. It wasn't going to stop. She stopped directly in front of it, and then...

A sob rises from my throat. God dammit...why do I always cry at the worst of times? I'll never be able to sleep like this...

"Emmy...can I sleep with you tonight?" I murmur to the teddy bear sitting on my bed. She doesn't respond, but I pull myself onto the mattress and slip under the covers, holding her close as I close my eyes.

"I don't want to wake up tomorrow..." I murmur.

Sleep is blank, a dark abyss with nothing hidden inside.
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0 | Aug 8th 2019 22:38