So I have no friends on here so there's no better place to vent.
Today was not a good day.
Except I've been talking to this guy who I really really like, made it easier because he makes me smile. He is the only thing that's getting me through shit right now.
Mentally though its not been a good one. Anyone who'll eventually read this and suffers from bi-polar depression can understand.
I honestly could not stop crying, and I am really not a crying type of guy at all. What makes it the worst is it can come on from nowhere. Ill be happy go lucky and then bam overwhelming sadness and tears for what is sometimes days. I was diagnosed years ago. Went through a phase where I didn't want to be "crazy" so I stopped taking my medications, then right after I lost insurance so I had to deal. Its never been so bad though. I cant keep an even mood, ill snap and become so angry for no reason that I cant see straight. I mean that literally, not figuratively. Then you know ten minutes later ill feel fine, or ill be overly happy and excited. It is the most terrible thing. It has cost me friendships, and even most recently my job.
Since, I have gotten insurance back, and am working towards becoming healthy and stable again, but until then its just hell.

:D omfg omfg

Was arguing with a girly girl on another site , not the first time I've done so as they truly frustrate and piss me off. They all say exactly the same stupid things in various ways but the bottom line is always the same. They want a man to protect them and provide for them BUT the worst thing of all is they want that man to lead them. I remember a comedian talking about very small children who remarked "you have somebody there who will look you right in the eye while they shit their pants". Well, he's being dumb, trying to get a laugh their kids and we do that at that age but these, these what ever the hell they are are supposed to be grown adults! Are you kidding me? You have someone who will look you right in the eye while they invalidate themselves as legitimate adults. Growing up I never once thought of women as less than me they were just people. As I developed sexually I swooned over women and fantasized about them as heroic scientists , explorers, inventors and the like. I did notice that a lot of men seemed to see them as children or something similar to that anyway. I didn't really pay it much attention it was like some people like cars, some like to drive trucks or vans just a lot of opinions. I thought it was stupid, but I'd seen a lot of stupid before and I ignored it more or less and lived in my world with my opinions. It was much later when the internet came along and it was like everyone's diary was a mouse click away that I begin to see how bad the problem really was. Not just men were writing these things but women as well. It still doesn't quite seem real to me that women would say these things because I had seen them laugh it off so many times as if it were a joke between the sexes. Yet here it is in print , unmistakable , women are writing how they want a man who can "make decisions when I'm unsure" and a million other smiler things.
It's effect on me has been being creeped out , it's hard to describe how it feels to wake up in a world suddenly where many many women I pass on the street or do business with every day are looking at me as some kind of surrogate father figure , that they consider themselves lower than me. A very creepy thing that they might even be turned on by the thought of me and other men around me saving them from some calamity or protecting them or some other such thing all according to the demented ideology of what men are supposed to be. It just becomes creepy when you look at it like that . These women are destroying themselves, disempowering and deligitimizing themselves and somehow I'm caught in the middle of this. If a woman flirts with me at the grocery store what is she really thinking? Suddenly flirting isn't nearly as fun anymore. Is she a woman like I imagined women to be or is she one of these aliens that see men as some kind of father figures there to "take charge" and make everything OK. Hell, being male feels kind of gross now really , I never even thought about my sex much before this new enlightenment.
So, now that I know that not all women are what I thought, that lots of them have truly creepy woldviews about men, my self included, I resolve to just work that much harder for what I believe in. Feminism is basically a highly political cult filled with a bunch of wackos who can't wait to "call someone out" or be "triggered" by something for that moment in the spotlight where they get to play the poor oppressed victim. Not much help there, it's the lesser of two evils at best. So for now I'll call myself and equalist , I believe in gender neutrality and that people are individuals not mere men and women. We're people, not robotic livestock to be assigned roles by society based on which harness they think fits us best.

:c the guy i like and care for so much got hurt by his girlfriend but hes giving her another chance.. wish i could prove him that i could be amazing.. and that i care...

So I've been watching seasons 7 and 8 now gotta work on seasons 9 and 10... On dvd... but aside from that.... I'm starting to wonder.... If I should rp NCIS....

@CrimsonButterfly..... whom do you think I should be

Today, I've woken up... and i barely slept much.
I tossed and turned so many times thinking about him. Hoping he's ok, hoping its going to b alright.. He and his girlfriend did not work out as well, she didnt truly love him and went for his friend... so hes very broken... very broken... and all i want out of this, is him to smile...

10 years later down this road, i've kept myself opened for you, it seems the longer i wait to tell you about how i feel, the further away you get.. things are hard, ive known you for 10 years and have liked you since then. why must it b difficult, i watch girls com and go slowly with you.. but every girl has left you broken and hurt... i want to hug you till your one piece again, but im always scared of my actions... but today i finally decided to let it go, i have told you my feelings, and im glad of it..

Whomever is reading this, this blog is just going to be simply about how my everyday struggle of being a girl who likes her best friend, for about 10 years now..

Submit a comment on my page asking me about anything? I will post the answer on my blog. Make it a good one!

Intoxicate the mind with this, love that won't last. Just reminds the time. Of knocking on doors. Kicking out the windscreen again letting the flies in. Pest that bother keep distracted the nature pursued. knowing it will be with truth. try not to let the past evolve the future. The times of weariness gets comfortable when fed. Find a simple back drop confuse the mind with it. Making it symbolic is philosophic. Already done. Without the image trace the brain to see if it will fit like another hard drive. It will be needed.

Honestly, this year has been a whirlwind of events since it began. I started falling away from everything in October. Let's see, in January I met the man of my dreams. I've never been treated so well by a man. His name is Chris. I'm gonna try to get him to make an account on here. At work, I've been moving up non stop. Working to become a manager and doing education with it. There's surprisingly a lot I still have yet to learn. I miss you all terribly. I'm trying hard to get my GED and my room under control. I'm a pack rat and going through all kinds of stuff to try to sell and get rid of it... I'll probably put some of it on here! Life is terribly busy, I never have time for the Internet anymore and I honestly don't know how to manage a schedule for you all. Makes me sad though. I'm also not healthy, I plan on joining a gym.. I've gained a lot of weight and have not been taking vitamins and eating as many fruits and vegetables. Haha, I've also broken out in acne. It's crazyyyy! I still win online contests all the time. :3 But I don't even really have time for that anymore! I love you all so much, you have no idea. And I definitely haven't forgotten about you. I'm just always doing something now. I sleep a lot more than I used to. I'm exhausted all the time. My boyfriend leaves for AIT during this entire summer. As some of you know, he's in the Army and I've been with him for almost 4 months now. I'm happy, just stressed! I've had drama at work in the past. One of my managers is crazy in the literal sense, and I don't generally talk about people, but she is so rude, and I had a coworker that was rude to me because she asked me out and I turned her down (I'm straight, I told her we could be friends) and shortly after that she tried to make my life a living Hell. :( So life has had its ups and downs! I'm gonna try to make a blog at least once a day and keep you all updated if not anything else! I love you so much and I gotta go for now, thank you so much for reading!!

So.... deciding to blog about Emmure's sixth studio album.... Eternal Enemies.

I had just recently bought it and it sounds amazing.... I like all the songs on it but the ones I really like are Untitled, Nemesis, N.I.A. (News In Arizona), A Gift,A Curse and E. I also like Most Hated and the last song which is called We Were Just Kids

Well... Sadly all the good television shows that I watch during the fall, winter, and spring.... are now finished for the year. Said shows are

The Originals with an amazing end to their first season and might I add a great way to wrap it up.... So glad they're having a second season. I will definitely be buying this one on dvd

Arrow with an amazing second season and not to mention an amazing finale to that said season... I cannot wait until the Third season of Arrow... Let alone until the second season is released on Dvd.

SPOILER ALERT
The Vampire Diaries with their fifth season.... Not much good I can say about the season in general considering we've all got different views on the show... There were some parts of the season five storyline in which I didn't really like all too much... But I must say..... They did a fantastic job with the finale.... Sooooo finally glad that Alaric is back.

Supernatural.... Welll finally the season finale of season 9 had already ended..... I know it's been at least a week or almost two weeks since it has ended.... But I must say.... wow.... It was magnificent... Interesting to see how Season 10 will be

With the first season of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. I would have to say that they did a pretty good job.... I enjoyed the finale... Looking forward to the second season AND the spin off show coming in the fall of 2014 entitled Marvel's Agent Carter.

With the first season of Ravenswood.... The spinoff show to The Pretty Little Liars... (Which in all truth and honesty... I do not watch Pretty Little Liars.... I've tried but can't get into it... ) I would have to say I enjoyed the first season and the finale even though there had only been 10 episodes in total .... Sadly they had cancelled the show but things happen....


Another show that had begun this past year was The Tomorrow People.... I think they did a good job for it being a remake..... But sadly they cancelled it as well... I thought the finale was pretty good.

Sleepy Hollow even though it has 13 episodes for the first season it was amazing I enjoyed it.... It's good to say that I will definitely be looking forward to watching the second season.

There are more shows but.... I don't wanna continue babbling

How do u tell someone how u feel if u feel they don't feel the same way. Have u ever been a catfish or catfish online. I will say that have and I had to try really hard to get my message to to the cat fisher who liked me but I didn't like him the same way. What did u say to get your message a crossed? I had to message him and be strong and make the point be heard. Do u have a good friend who tried to show the cat fisher what happens when u meet someone u don't know for real? I do and I couldn't begin to thank her her name is Alisha and she has my back and is always there for me when I need her.

Come slip pass the darkness you know its hiding light. You thought it exposed your secret passion. That comes only during night. The winter is so lonely my tiredness is wearing me thin. Stare the complexity in my eyes how i was made how i was designed i wish i could be so simple and believe in the simple things. Its just so hard for me. Please believe me. I wrote you these letters i never sent my key is in them they still lay under my carpet. Please forget me i know what i do to upset you i know you pray for better weather. I just hate the disappointment in your eyes. In my head im in cloudy weather trap and tangled together to have voice is the only way out. But i left that underneath the carpet at the old house.
Maybe someday they will find it read it out loud and we'll finally be out of this cloud. A suicide sounds so perfect but I'm not sure if I can take that route I have to many people I care deeply about. I want to show them not have it be something they read about
Im caught in the wind in a spiral im in the ocean swimming and drowning from ocean to ocean. The cliffs the ledges arent high enough for me to have time to ask for his forgiveness. Winter such perfect weather this scorching heat makes me so tender and beats me down and brings me down all because of what ive seen happen and heard in a old house